All Fine on the comic book Front

So here I sit.
A failed indiegogo under my belt and not exactly a song in my heart.
I told myself I was fine

• Not all crowdfunders succeed 
• First timers doubly so .
• No one knows who you are .no one yet ,at least .
• Even if it fails you get your name out there and be better for next time.
• I was fine

So it was more than a little concerning when
I tried to smash the absolute fuck out of my computer monitor the other day.
My slow pc ,several years old ,was making a 5 minute job into a 45 minute marathon.
The next thing I knew I've wrenched the monitor up ready to use it as a hammer to Break my desk .?
I came to my senses and order was restored to the universe.




But I  couldn't ignore it
couldn't tell myself the lie any more
couldn't keep saying
I was fine.

What was I doing that set me off?
Finding out when I receive my meagre disbursement from indiegogo.discovering how much I'd be left with after a bunch of fees were applied.About a quarter of the money just eaten up.


Another tab had twitter with various success stories from other writers,
First time writers
Fully funded first time writers
And I went super fucking nova.

So there it was the true ugly face of my anger, i was jealous as fuck.
There no spin ,varnish or self deluding lie I can tell to make it better .
An emotion as old as time and it had completely consumed me.




A while back when I had first joined twitter a fella I'd never talked to before posted an angry as fuck message tagging all the comicsgate types into it.
In the tweet He ,sarcastically thanked all his CG brothers and sisters for all there help with retweets and investing in his comic.
Except he got no retweets at all or investors.
The fella was absolutely livid.
EVS gave him some advice where he's gone wrong etc and I dismissed the poor bastard as a complete crank .

Until...In the moment I had my monitor in my hand I knew precisely how he felt.

Another indignant soul made a plea to people about his campaign please stop giving his tweets likes.??
The likes dont do anything?
he needed retweets ,publicity for more people to see his posts
 not your pointless hearts.
A bit mean
just another twitter nut job?

Something else I reconsidered later in my fury

All I can do is try again and try to remain calm
 Be better
 Try harder
DO NOT GIVE UP

I await the disbursement to fund a few more comic pages
then I begin my relaunch with  the hope that all this was not in vain

I'm Also taking up meditation
I'll be fine